2015 AOBPNR - Finally!

Writing about movies and the Oscars is like giving wedding gifts. You have one calendar year to do so. It’s true. You can look it up. That’s why I’m actually early with my 2015 AOBPNR (Annual Oscar Best Picture Nomination Recap.)

2015 was a shitty year. Thankfully there were some pretty good movies to serve as a distraction. For a few hours you could escape to an uncharted wilderness or a vast, hostile wasteland (no, not Arizona in August). You could immerse yourself in the world of high finance or cold war espionage. You could transport yourself to 1950’s Brooklyn or even Mars.

So without further ado (God knows we have more than enough ado. You can’t swing a stick without hitting someone’s ado. Enough ado.) here’s my ranking of those movies who received a Best Picture nomination in 2015.

1. The Revenant (R) - Director Alejandro G. Inarritu had me at the opening sequence, which has been described as an ‘expertly choreographed piece of beautiful madness,’ and apparently took one month of rehearsals. From there the main character embarks on 2 hours and 36 minutes of sheer hell, including the now-famous bear attack and riding a horse off a cliff.
   
   There are all sorts of articles on the difficulty with which this film was made - the remoteness, the decision to shoot with natural light only - but unlike Boyhood where the production was one of the only things Oscar worthy, Revenant was impressive across the board, all the way down to Tom Hardy’s killer Tom Berenger impersonation. I would have voted this Best Picture, but I understand why it didn’t get it (see below.)
   
   Winner: Best Actor in a Leading Role; Best Director; Best Cinematography
   
   
2. Room (R) - Ripped from the headlines, room refers to the shed where Brie Larson’s character is held after a deranged man kidnaps her. Larson deservedly won Best Actress but her child, born in the room and played by Jacob Tremblay, is equally if not more impressive.
   
   Surprisingly, most of the story takes place after the pair are rescued, showing the struggle each face in readjusting to a normal life. It would have been easy to go the other route and spend more time on the captivity - kudos to writer Emma Donoghue for showing the story few think about in these cases.
   
   Winner: Best Actress in a Leading Role
   
   
3. The Big Short (R) - I know what you’re thinking, how could you make a movie about the mortgage housing crisis of 2005 and hedge funds and it NOT be entertaining?
   
   As they say, it all starts with the writing and you won’t find any movie where that’s more true than here. The cast (Christian Bale, Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling, Brad Pitt, etc.) execute a tight, smart script very well, making a complex event relatable and even fun. It may piss you off, but it’s worth it.
   
   Winner, Best Writing, Adapted Screenplay
   
   
4. Brooklyn (PG-13) - Watching Brooklyn is like watching a novel, which is appropriate because it was based on one, and impressive because I’m assuming that means the adaptation was done extremely well.
   
   Brooklyn is also a very pretty film, in that you could tell that most of the shots of 1950’s New York had a lot of thought put into them by a creative DP. As someone who has tried to make a film or two, the colors, composition, angles, etc. of certain films blow me away.
   
   
5. Spotlight (R) - This Best Picture winner could be 4A in that I put it on equal footing as Brooklyn. Sometimes Hollywood rewards movies for the message (Crash anyone?) I think Spotlight falls into this category.
   
   The story revolves around the Boston-based news team that uncovered the scandal of child molestation and cover-up within the Catholic Church. It’s a solid film, don’t get me wrong, with a great ensemble cast that couldn’t even be derailed by Michael Keaton’s come-and-go Boston accent. But to put it on the same level, or above, The Revenant? With everything that went into that film? I don’t think so.
   
   
6. The Martian (PG13) — Even though this Matt Damon vehicle completely left out any mention of the Illudium Q-36 space modulator, it was a pretty entertaining 2:24 (does anyone make movies under 2 hours any more?) I think I might have liked this more had it not come out a few short years after Gravity, but Damon is nothing if he isn’t likable and he’s saved far lesser movies before.
   
   Bonus Trivia: Though shut out from any Oscars, The Martian won the Golden Globe for Best Motion Picture - Comedy or Musical. There was no singing. So when you watch this film, try to imagine the kind of person who would call it not only a comedy, but a great comedy, and remember that the next time someone tells you that you don’t have a great sense of humor.
   
   
7. Mad Max: Fury Road (R) - Having this movie this low means I’ve lost probably half of the few people who would ever read this. Sorry, while it was definitely a visual spectacle that few I’ve ever seen can match, there were just some pretty substantial holes once you looked beyond the setting and Charlize Theron.
   
   I love Tom Hardy, but this was probably his weakest role yet. And while that isn’t his fault - he didn’t have much to work with - it didn’t help. And don’t get me started on that fire-shooting guitar guy.
   
   Winner: 6 Oscars including editing, costume design, makeup, sound mixing, etc.
   
   
8. Bridge of Spies (PG13) — I’d been warned by multiple people that BOS was about as exciting as watching paint dry, however I am pleased to report that isn’t the case, at least with your basic, primary colors. If we’re talking something flashier, say Tuscany Sunrise, maybe in a gloss…
   
   You may have to leave the country to find someone who doesn’t care for Tom Hanks, and Best Supporting Actor winner Mark Rylance nailed his role as the spy. The bridge was pretty convincing too, now that I think about it. But in the end it’s another Steven Spielberg pic, heavy on the cheese. A recent film class I attended said Spielberg always has the ‘three z’s’ in his pics - haze, gaze and zoom. Sure enough, all could be found in this cold war drama that your father probably loved.
   
   Winner: Best Actor in a Supporting Role
   
   
9. Ex Machina (R) - Technically this did not receive a Best Pic nomination however it should have. A great, original screenplay, executed perfectly by the cast. A thought-provoking story paired with technologically-impressive production. This one stayed with me and no, it’s not just because of Alicia Vikander as a sexy robot. That was only 20% why. 25% tops.
   
   Winner: Best Visual Effects
   
   
10. Straight Outta Compton (R) - another one that should have received more Oscar love than it did. At the very least a Best Actor nod for O’Shea Jackson Jr., who played his father, Ice Cube. No weak links in the cast and a captivating story about a band (NWA) and an industry that sadly flew under the radar of this pasty kid who grew up in a small, rural town.

They're Right - America (and the rest of the world) Has Talent

Recently I came across this gem - a video of a couple in a car synching the lyrics to, "You're the One That I Want" from Grease. The catch - they don't sing it, they sign it. Uber clever and fun and impossible to be in a bad mood while watching. Go ahead, try. I'll wait.

There are tons of these kinds of videos out there, most on YouTube, most by amateurs, all terribly clever and creative and talented and brave. Following are some of my favorite - the ones I can, and do, watch over and over. Hopefully they'll make you smile, laugh, get goosebumps, all of the above, whatever.

I Got a Feeling Lip Dub - a true team effort from a group of students at a university in Quebec. I have no idea how many times they tried this before they got it right - but just that so many people were involved, and the fact that it was done in one, continuous shot is simply amazing. Watch for the clever use of props matching the lyrics. Impossible to catch them all in one viewing.

Grand Rapids Lip Dub - this record-setting effort, which Roger Ebert called, 'the greatest music video ever made' was the town's response when Newsweek magazine included them on their list of America's Dying Cities. Again, the sheer scale alone makes this worth watching.

Hey Teach, a Lecture Musical - a slightly different setup where hidden cameras are set up and someone does something in front of a group.  Some are done by a few people, some by flash mobs. There are a ton out there (see Frozen Grand Central or Christmas Food Court Hallelujah), but this is one of my favorite. Kudos to the teacher for playing along.

Som Sabadell Flashmob - same concept, for fans of classical music.

We No Speak Americano - technically these guys aren't amateurs I guess, after using this video to vault them into paying gigs (at least one in the form of a McDonalds commercial.) But before they reached the heights of fast food fame, they put this together. 'Be Amazing' is written on the wall behind them. Check.  Not allowed to show the video window for this one; hopefully the link will work:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iANRO3I30nM 


Ultimate Dog Tease - with 159 million views you've probably seen this, but it's short and it's clever and it deserves a spot on this list.

There are many, many more out there that I'm not remembering. As I do I'll update this post. But if you can't wait, check this out.

Happy viewing.

Making an Impact

Recently I attended a memorial service for a friend. We weren’t really close. In fact, he was more of a best friend of a friend. But that’s all semantics, really. The man - Steve - led an amazing life. Musician, environmentalist, writer, father, lawyer, and more. I didn’t know all he did until after his death, and it turns out he did a lot. And meant a lot. To a whole lot of people.

The memorial was held at the Irish Cultural Center in downtown Phoenix - a beautiful facility that looks as if it was uprooted from the Emerald Isle and flown, brick by brick, to the desert. The main hall where the celebration was held is no small place. I’d been there once before, for a concert. A band from Ireland, of course. They had filled maybe half of the hall. For this memorial the hall was packed. Standing room only with people waiting outside. And wait they did, even though it was a toasty 110 degrees which, even by a Phoenician’s standards, is a tad uncomfortable.

By my count, there were more than 200 people inside, and who knows how many out. Another 20-30 maybe. There were no doubt a good number of people who wanted to attend but couldn’t. Many locals leave town for the weekends in the summer. They head north, or south, or east - anywhere cooler, which is pretty much everywhere. Had the memorial been held in February who knows how many more there would have been.

Later that evening, after the music and poetry and loving tributes, I couldn’t help but think about my own mortality. When I die, will there be a need for an event like this, and if so, how many people would show up? 200? 100? 10?

People don’t generally like to think about their own demise. It’s scary shit, the unknown. But in this case maybe we should. Ask yourself this - if you lived your life trying to get as many people to your memorial as possible, what would you do differently? I’m guessing whatever the answer is, it’s not going to make you a worse person. Probably the opposite.

According to the program, Steve was a big fan of The Dalai Lama. One of his favorite quotes follows, and might explain why 200+ people showed up on a hot, Phoenix-summer day to say goodbye to an old friend.

"I try to treat whoever I meet as an old friend. This gives me a genuine feeling of happiness. It is the practice of compassion."

One final thought - if you are reasonably young and agile and can stand for an hour or two without being severely strained, and you find yourself at an event like this, or any event, and have arrived early enough to get a seat, look around. If you see someone who isn’t as healthy, or young, as you, offer them your seat. Thanks.

Dallas, Her, Wolf - What a Year for Movies

Four months ago the 86th Academy Awards took place.

Four days ago I watched the last of the nine Best Picture nominees.

Four hours ago I decided which one I liked best.

And four minutes ago I changed my mind.  Again.

Having trouble picking this year.  But unlike recent years it’s not because none of the films really stood out - it’s that there were more than a few that did.  In fact, this was the best year for movies since 2011 (Winter’s Bone, The King’s Speech, The Social Network, Inception, The Fighter and True Grit.)  Not bad.

So without further ado (I'm all out of ado, actually) here's the list:

Dallas Buyers Club

What it’s about:  The struggle of a Ron Woodroof, a homophobic cowboy who gets AIDS in 1985 and has to fight friends, doctors, big pharma and the government in order to survive this dangerous, new disease.

Loved this movie, and not just because Scott Takeda appears within. The story tugs at your heart, but not in a sappy, Steven-Spielberg way.  McConaughey’s transition from healthy homophobe to terminally ill champion of those he hated is sincere and believable.  Leto seems not so much acting as letting out another person who’s been living inside him.  And Jennifer Garner proves again it’s just a matter of time until she wins an Oscar of her own.
 
Review-ku:

Early days of AIDS.
Rodeo cowboy did al-
right alright alright.

Her

What it’s about:  The futuristic tale of a recently-divorced introvert who falls in love with his computer’s operating system.

This movie gets huge points on creativity alone. Spike Jonze’s love story set in futuristic Los Angeles paints a picture of a world where artificial intelligence has advanced to the point where a fulfilling relationship doesn’t really require another person.

Again, Joaquin Phoenix morphs into his character to the point of being unrecognizable. His co-star, the voice of Scarlett Johansson, received calls for a Best Actress nomination. While I could listen to SJ read old issues of the American Journal of Psychiatry for 12 hours straight, there are other, more compelling reasons to check out this gem.

Review-ku:

Scarlett Johansson
Living in my mobile phone?
Where do I sign up?

The Wolf of Wall Street

What it’s about:  The ‘true’ story of a slimy stock broker in the 90’s. Sex, drugs, stocks, strippers, cars, yachts, drugs, egos, FBI agents, drugs, midgets, drugs. Did I mention drugs?

People either loved or hated this movie. Count me in the loved camp. One of Martin Scorsese’s finest efforts, great thought was put into every shot. No fillers to get from one scene to the next (hello American Hustle) - even the simplest transitions are with care.  Think Amélie, The King’s Speech, The Assassination of Jesse James…  Wolf is one of those films.

Jonah Hill excels as the slimiest of a truly slimy crew, Rob Reiner is foul-mouthed and funny, and Australian newcomer Margot Robbie is maybe the guiltiest pleasure in a movie bursting with them. DiCaprio is fun to watch even though at no point do you forget it’s him you’re watching.

Home of one of my favorite scenes of the year.

Review-ku:

Entertaining flick
Though by the end it makes you
Want to take a bath

Gravity

What it’s about: Astronaut Sandra Bullock faces near-insurmountable obstacles after a freak accident destroys her shuttle and kills her crew.

Visually stunning, Gravity was not meant to watch at home unless you have a very, very large TV.  All the hallmarks of a great drama are here - likable characters (Bullock as the newbie astronaut, George Clooney as the warm and wise mentor), near impossible odds with death always an eyelash away, time running out, and a touching B-story brought up just often enough.

At times it’s a bit predictable, other times a bit cheesy, but the imagery alone makes the time fly by - a trait not always seen in 2+ hour movies.

Review-ku:

Two hours about
Sandra Bullock’s well-shaped as-
tronaut character.

American Hustle

What it’s about: Hollywood producers dress popular actors in 70’s clothing, give one a perm and one a comb-over and how in the world could hilarity not ensue?

A virtual Hollywood all-star team combines to make a recent period piece about scam artists and nutty FBI agents in bed together. Cooper and Bale are solid, but Lawrence was the high mark for me as she can play a great crazy. Amy Adams joins the fun as she is contractually obligated to appear in every single movie until 2024.  Bonus: excellent soundtrack.

Review-ku:

Adams and Bale,
Scammers in the seventies.
Cooper gets a perm.

Philomena

What it’s about: An elderly woman enlists the help of a past-his-prime reporter to track down the child she was forced to give up many years ago.

Judi Dench. Really that’s reason enough to watch Philomena. But, if you’re some kind of doofus who needs more than that there’s Steve Coogan, who helped adapt the book. Both are relatable and fun to watch. This is a comfortable movie, a drama with just the right amount of comedy sprinkled in. Good viewing for a rainy day. I’m assuming. I live where it doesn’t rain.

Review-ku:

Enjoyable film,
Though 'Philomena' sounds like
a rare STD.

Captain Philips

What it’s about: A cargo ship captain tossed into a volatile situation after Nigerian pirates board his vessel.

Another movie based on a book, staring Tom Hanks. Enjoyable for the most part but about 30 minutes longer than needed. Director Paul Greengrass does a great job of building tension in the first half but even America’s favorite actor can’t overcome a script that rambles on and on in the second. Proof that longer isn’t always better.

Review-ku:

Hey look it’s pirates
But not the Johnny Depp kind
Forrest Gump kicks ass!

12 Years a Slave

What it’s about: A documentary on the first ice cream stand at Coney Island. No, of course not. Just look at the title. Duh.

From the title, buzz and reviews, I wasn’t looking forward to seeing this one.  I put it off until I’d seen all of the others, expecting it to be a gut-wrenching ordeal like Schindler’s List or Roots, one of those movies you wish you could un-see. But, outside of one incredibly-uncomfortable, well-shot scene, it didn’t meet expectations. A good film, for sure. Interesting, definitely. Well-made, you bet. Socially important, of course. Best Picture? Meh. 

Review-ku:

Oh Hollywood, you
Like nothing more than patting
Yourself on the back.

Nebraska

What it’s about: An old man believes he’s won the lottery after receiving one of those Publishers Clearinghouse letters. His son drives him to the claim center a couple states away to shut him up. Road trip!

Towards the end of this movie one thought kept running through my mind: “Who did what, and to whom, to get this movie nominated?”

Best pic nominees should be strong in all areas. Story/writing, acting, direction, virtually all of the other categories combined. Nebraska, not so much. Not even close. But it was in black and white - that’s artistic! Yes, it sure was a pretty movie.

Review-ku:

Not sure how it got
A nod, then again it was
Shot in black and white.

2012 Oscar Review (Best Picture)

2012 Best Picture Review

Total Nominees:  9

Dramas:  7.5

Comedies:  .5

Musicals:  1

Wastes of Walton Goggins' Talent: 2

Summary:  as the case in 2011, none of these movies really stood out as my favorite however there is some method to the madness in that the ones I enjoyed the most can be found towards the top.

Les Miserables

What it's about: miserable people living in the political unrest of 19th century France, where talking has been outlawed and citizens are forced to sing all conversation.

From the moment I read the words, "Hugh Jackman sings" I expected to not like this movie, but damn it if I didn't find it enjoyable.

Jackman shines in the lead role, as does Anne Hathaway, who despite appearing in less than half of the 2 hour and 37 minute run time, proves herself deserving of the Oscar she won.  Both make you wonder how the rest of us can be expected to do anything worthwhile in a world where some people have so much damn talent.

Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter provide delicious, comic relief as a devious, thieving couple who would do anything to make a coin.  Then there's Russell Crowe and his constant, sullen expression, which could be character interpretation or maybe the fact that, like the audience, he knows how he's the weak link in this ensemble. 

Pre-Viewing Tip: Turn on the old closed captioning at the start.  You'll thank me later.

Argo

What it's about: A daring, joint effort by American and Canadian governments in 1980 to rescue American diplomats hiding in Iran after the US Embassy was overtaken my militant students.

Put me down as one of the many that believe Ben Affleck should have received a nomination for Best Director.  He does an excellent job of transporting the viewer back to the era of bell bottoms and crazy hair.

The story is interesting, the script is tight, and while no one in particular stands out as carrying the load, there are no weak links here either.  Particularly enjoyable are the performances by Alan Arkin and Bryan Cranston.

I'm sure events were tweaked for maximum dramatic effect, and there's been some controversy as to just who was responsible for the heroic events. Whatever - it's great entertainment.

Zero Dark Thirty

What it's about: The hunt for, and killing of, Osama bin Laden.

If anyone doubs director Kathryn Bigelow's ability to create an intense thriller (unlikely after the Hurt Locker) they need only watch ZDT.  From the start she transforms the viewer into the harsh, unpleasant post-9/11 world - a world where there are no rules when it comes to fighting terror.

Jason Clark (Dan) shines at the start as a CIA agent with a knack for torture, then hands it over to the talented Jessica Chastain as Maya - another agent still wet behind the ears but hell bent on finding America's most wanted man.

Though Maya's ultra-fast transformation from unsure newbie to convinced badass (telling the CIA Director that she's the 'mother fucker who found him') borders on the unbelievable, the act 3 portrayal of the storming of bin Laden's compound is edge-of-your-seat stuff and shouldn't be missed.

Beasts of the Southern Wild

What it's about: A little girl living in a poor, lowland community near New Orleans is tested by poverty, a missing mother, a dying father and a massive hurricane.

If you enjoyed 2010's Winter's Bone nearly as much as I did you probably would enjoy this too.  While Beasts isn't quite as dark, it too features a unique region of the country and the people who call it home - where every character, good or bad, is thought provoking.

I love it when a cast of relatively unknowns come together to tell an amazing story.  Nine year-old Quvenzhane Wallis - Hushpuppy - carries the load for a good portion of the film which is impressive because, you know, she's freaking NINE YEARS OLD.  Dwight Henry, who plays her father, brings his character to life with a stern, intense love that must have made the writers giddy.

Toss in some interpretive symbolism in the way of large, boar-type creatures that only Hushpuppy can see, a unique soundtrack and an ending that makes you create your own conclusions and you've got an entertaining story.

Django Unchained

What it's about: a bounty hunter frees a slave to help him track down bad guys.

After Quintin Tarrantino's ever-so-humble Oscar speech ("I'd like to thank me for writing a great script...") I wasn't exactly excited about giving the egotistical prick my money or time, but the guy is a pretty damn good writer so...

The first 3/4 of Django was wonderful - a fun ride full of the same sharp, humorous dialogue we've come to expect from Tarrantino.  Don Johnson has fun with his character, Big Daddy, and the scene where his idiotic gang argues about the quality of their masks is one of my favorite film moments of 2012.

Christoph Waltz is constantly grin-inducing as a German bounty hunter perplexed by the whole slavery thing, and Jamie Foxx maintains a cool anger that burns like embers under his skin.  You never really know just what he's capable of but you know it's probably a lot.  And Leonardo DiCaprio has so much fun playing bad guy Calvin Candie it makes you want to move to Hollywood and give acting a shot.

Eventually though, as he seems to always do, QT pushes the envelope and inserts over the top violence, blood, gore, etc.  The intent is clearly to shock, but the problem with doing this in every film is that it eventually it doesn't work.  What was shocking in Reservoir Dogs or Pulp Fiction now seems bland, even predictable.

Throw in an awkward bit of self-casting with possibly the worst Australian accent ever captured on film and it's enough to drop this from my top spot.  Django is no Inglorious Basterds, but it's still good.

Life of Pi

What it's about: religi-curious Indian boy stranded at sea in a lifeboat with a tiger...or is he?

For the first 45 minutes of Life of Pi I thought I'd found my favorite movie of 2012.  Original, thought-provoking, beautiful.

Suraj Sharma excels as Pi - a boy named after a swimming pool and raised in a zoo.  While crossing the ocean with his family and their animals their ship encounters a huge storm and sinks, sending young Pi on an adventure that will 'make you believe in God.'

The tale of survival that follows is epic in nature, but a little too much for me as act 2 seemed to drag.  A nice twist at the end brings it all back, leaving the viewer with something to think about.

Still a visually-stunning film - Director Ang Lee and his special effects team create one mesmerizing scene after another - the end result is as much a piece of art as anything.

Silver Linings Playbook

What it's about: relationship between two emotionally-damaged people, set in the city of brotherly fucking love.

Somehow placed in the comedy genre, Silver Linings Playbook received no less than 8 Oscar nominations and, after watching, I'm not really sure why.  Bradley Cooper is deserving as Pat, the story's hero who's had a mental breakdown after coming home to find his wife in the shower with someone's great grandfather.  He shows emotional range you won't find in any of the Hangover films (1, 1A or 3).

Jennifer Lawrence, a tad disturbed herself after the loss of her husband, is solid and engaging, but let's be honest - this Oscar win is more a make-up for the one she should have won for her work in Winter's Bone.

Robert DeNiro was nominated as well, for playing a character that could easily appear in the script as "DeNiro in a Variety of Philadelphia Eagles Shirts."

While not bad, SLP lacks the grandeur or vision found in the others on this list, seems at times to be trying to break the Big Lebowski's record for uses of the word 'fuck,' and is about 45 minutes longer than it needs to be.

Lincoln

What it's about: 16th President's efforts to pass the 13th Amendment during a time of great unrest - in the nation, in Congress, and in his own home.

After watching Best Picture nominees Warhorse and this one-man play disguised as a feature film, I'm convinced that Spielberg could release a home movie of his cat chasing a laser pointer and the Academy would slobber all over it while giving him a nomination.

Yes there was a great performance by Daniel Day Lewis (and his make-up artist), and a supporting cast full of A-listers.  Great costumes, makeup, etc.  And James Spader's performance as a thug lobbyist was excellent though a bit rushed, showing that dirty politics have been around from the start.

Yet with all this it still seemed like I was watching in real time.  Towards the end I thought, it'd be cool if they didn't mention the assassination - there's no need - everyone knows what happened so they could really be artistic here.  Of course, SS never met a chance to tug on the heart strings he didn't like so it's in there, with dramatic music, flags waiving, etc.

A can't-miss for big fans of Day Lewis and/or 1800's political banter, a can-miss for everyone else.

Amour

What it's about: by all accounts, something horribly, horribly depressing.

Not available on Netflix at this time.

Best Things About Having A Kidney Stone

The Best Things About Having A Kidney Stone

(in no particular order)

1. Visiting the ER on Cinco de Mayo
2. Discovering Toradol - for those times when Morphine just doesn't cut it
3. Discussing 'favorite stones' with hospital staff
4. Having a former gang-banger, and my hospital roommate, call me his 'celly'
5. Having my 'celly' give me his extra tracheostomy kit as a gift
6. Spending two days either peeing or feeling like I needed to be peeing
7. Crossing 'urinating blood' off my bucket list
8. Seeing an x-ray of a foot-long stint up my ureter
9. Telling the x-ray tech, 'Ureter? I don't even know her!'
10. Apologizing to the x-ray tech
11. Getting to use the term, Lithotriptastic!
12. Peeing through a strainer, looking for remnants of the stone like a turn-of-the-century miner panning for gold
13. Spending 3 grand on copays and medication
14. Standing at the toilet, strainer in hand, realizing I was literally pissing my money away

Just Call Me Juror # 9

I'm going to say two words but I want you to remain calm.  Do not immediately run, screaming, into your closet and hide until the end of days.  Okay?  Here they come...

Jury Duty

Still there?  Hello?  Way to hang in there.

Recently I served on a jury for a 3-day criminal trial in the great city of Phoenix, county of Maricopa.  It was an experience that can be fairly summarized as such:

Jury duty gets a bad rap.  So bad it makes Vanilla Ice look like Jay Z.

Most people get that notice in the mail and their minds immediately start trying to think of ways they can get out of it.  I thought of my typical day - pink cubicles and white noise,  florescent lights and reports, pre-meetings and meetings and post-meetings.  Hmm.

One of my favorite parts of the whole experience was the initial thinning of the herd, or voir dire.  This is done by asking questions, the first being the simple, why do you feel you wouldn't be able to serve on this jury?

Some people owned their own business, some were employed by companies that didn't pay for time served (shame on them), and some lived on tips.  For them avoidance was understandable.

For the majority that wasn't the case, and that's when I got to see what my fellow citizens were made of - a snapshot of our society, and it wasn't pretty.  Some of my favorite excuses:

• The drive here was very taxing. Actually my husband drove - but it was still very taxing.
• I'm a teacher and 3 days away from my students would severely harm their learning.
• I had a bicycle stolen when I was in college (the 80's) so I couldn't possibly be impartial.
• I hate cops.
• No hablo Englais (from a woman I'm pretty sure I heard in the hallway hablo Englais just fine.)
• I have to care for my critically ill mother. (When the judge asked her who was doing that at the time, the woman froze.  Didn't really think that one through I guess.)
• My neighbor's dog ate my other neighbor's chicken.

Those that didn't try to wiggle their way out looked downright miserable.  Those left behind after each round of dismissals acted as if they were being sent to the gallows.  I'd compare the energy in the room to that of a funeral.

Part of me envied the others.  If this was so bad then their typical days must be infinitely more exciting than mine.

By the end of the day we narrowed 56 down to 14 and had our jury set - yours truly as Juror #9.

Jurors don't work long hours.  On day 2 of the trial we reported to the courthouse at 10:30.  The trial started at 11.  We broke for lunch at 11:30.  Back at 1.  Trial started at 2.  Dismissed at 2:30.

Pretty close to what our jury looked like, actually.

The case wasn't terribly juicy - essentially an open-and-shut case.  It actually took longer to appoint a foreman than to render the verdict, which I found a little disturbing considering we held a person's future in our hands.  My concern was not shared by the group.

The reading of the verdict was the most uncomfortable part.  Yes, the defendant had put himself in that situation, made his own bed, etc. but it's still not a pleasant feeling to look someone in the eye and tell them their life is going to change drastically, and not for the better.

You tell someone you've been called to serve and they look at you like you've just told them you have incurable, oozing testicular cancer.  Search Twitter and you're likely to find more positive comments under #Hitler than #juryduty.  Just say the words to anyone and watch the reaction.

It's a belief so firmly embedded in our culture that it has little chance of change.  Which, really, is fine.  The fewer willing to serve, the greater the chance I'll get to do so again.  Of course, I'd have to once again deviate from my routine.  But democracy isn't supposed to be easy.  We all have to make sacrifices in a free society, right?