Modern Engrish

Ah Christmas - quality time with the family, home-made cookies, delicious spiked nog, roaring fires, and gifts - lots of gifts, of course.

Far and away the most entertaining item unwrapped at the Palmer house this year wasn't a particular gift, per se, but rather the packaging from which it came. I'm speaking of something my nephew received called a Radio Control Skateboard Flyer.

This product is truly amazing. How amazing, you ask? Let's go right to the box:


Look in any toy store across this great land and you'll probably find hundreds of gadgets featuring a, "21 CENTURY NEW DESIGN ALL NEW ADDITION!" but a, "FLASHING ENTER!" as well?








While many toys out there are battery operated and quite a few can proclaim that they are of high quality, how many can boast they are top-hole?










Not only can you GO AHEAD, you can do it REELINGLY.












Safety is important during the holidays so please, dot not put this toy in water.
















As instructed, the packaging was retained for future reference.








Apologies for not having a photo of the actual toy which, despite it's zombie-like skin-tone and fluorescent-orange eyebrows worked quite well - as long as you're not one of those unreasonable people that insist your radio-controlled device do anything other than spin in a circle.

Toe Tag – Your Reward for Distracted Driving

Ext. Tempe Street - Night

A small, white car approaches an intersection just as the light switches from green to yellow. Confident he can make it, the driver glides through the crossing. A bright FLASH freezes the moment in time.

Driver
(to himself)
I was in the intersection before it turned.

He is wrong.


First came the ticket, complete with four photos - two of the intersection, one of my license plate and the last of me behind the wheel. The technology was impressive. It would be hard to take a clearer shot of my mug. I was smiling. I needed a shave.

Also included was a web address so I could watch video of my infraction. What little doubt the still photos left went down the drain as I played the clip over and over. I was guilty. Busted.

If you ever want to expand your horizons try attending traffic school. Not only will you see the vast melting pot that shares the road with you, you'll also feel much better about your ability to operate a motor vehicle - or groom yourself - or bathe.

You'll also get to watch a fine piece of cinematography called, "Toe Tag - Your Reward for Distracted Driving." This short film combines the thrills of jet fighting with the risks of multitasking and real, bloody ER footage for a cautionary concoction guaranteed to keep you on the edge of your seat. As if that weren't enough you'll also get FREE water and a sweet certificate of completion at the end. It may be the best $183 you'll ever spend. Certainly the best you'll spend involuntarily.


Unrelated topic - the new album by the Swell Season, "Strict Joy", is fan-dam-tastic. If you enjoyed the soundtrack to the indie hit, "Once" this is a must-buy. Glen Hansard's gift for songwriting is on full display. Check out the tracks, "The Rain" and "Back Broke".

Another artist worth checking out is Rachael Yamagata. While it would be easy to dismiss her as just another angst-filled siren striking out at ex-boyfriends via song there's much more to her. A voice that can be angelic, writing full of passion and meaning, and a wicked sense of humor to boot. Check out, "Sunday Afternoon".

Cruisin' in New England

Things I learned during my recent 7-day cruise through New England:

- People in Newport are very proud of the wealth accumulated by some of their residents. 80% of a bus tour we took focused on mansions overlooking the ocean.

- A sure sign you've attained a certain level of success/wealth in life is when your house has its own name such as "Rolling Meadows" or "Eagle's Nest." With that in mind I've decided to name my condo. The leading candidates so far are "Leaking Roof" and "Chateau de Mosquito."

- In olden days pirates inhabited the waters around Boston but many of them were mute. This is because they had a tendency to drop their aaaarghs.

- Paul Revere lived in a tiny house that still stands today. He also had something like 16 or 18 children. It's not in the history books but I'm betting he decided to participate in the Revolution mostly just to get out of the house.

- The trolley tours in Boston are kind of pricey but well worth it, especially if you get a bald driver named Benny.

- In Bar Harbor, lobster rolls aren't nearly as fancy as you'd think. Basically a quarter pound of lobster on a hot dog bun or, if you're lucky enough to get one where I did, on a slice of Wonder bread.

- You can travel all around Bar Harbor for as little as $5 thanks to their island bus system. Some drivers will even provide interesting facts along the way.

- Initially you'd think there's not much in St. John, New Brunswick other than the highest tide in the world (which actually reverses the flow of the St. John River every 6 hours). However, it's also home to some damn tasty microbrews and an excellent pub about two blocks from the harbor where a bartender named David will treat you like family and convince you that St. John is a pretty good place to live - even in the winter.

- Halifax may have more bars and pubs per square foot than any place in Canada or even North America for that matter. One should limit one's consumption of alcohol in St. John if one really wants to enjoy these establishments. Not that I would know - I'm just guessing.

- Princess Cruises doesn't think of passengers as guests as much as a captive market to push product upon. A certain ship photographer should be thanking his lucky stars he didn't get his lights punched out during one disembarkation - and that goes for the guy/girl in the giant lobster suit too.

- Seven days aboard a ship with some 2,000 New Yorkers is more than enough for a lifetime. A more rude, inconsiderate, whiny bunch would be hard to find - and all with accents that make Southerners sound Shakespearean by comparison.

- Much like looking out an airplane window, I could stare at the ocean for hours and hours without tiring of the view.

- You can't beat some quality time with family. :)

Deja View

I do not have cable.

(Insert disappointment, disbelief, snide remarks here.)

It's not that I dislike cable or that I spout a type of cultural superiority when I point this out. It's simply that cable costs more than I'm willing to pay. Sure, there are negatives - according to many the finest writing on the planet currently can be found on cable. Just recently I discovered the brilliance that is, "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" and I've yet to see other acclaimed shows such as "True Blood", "Weeds", "Breaking Bad" and more.

As anyone that's been even ten feet from a TV over the last year knows, recently the industry completed a digital transition which - for those of us without cable and with an older set -required the purchase of a converter box. Either technology has taken a giant leap backwards or the cable industry was behind the design of these little, plastic demons. Reception is spotty, inconsistent, crappy - and if you want to watch something during a storm you might as well give it up and find a nice book to read. I imagine quite a few people have caved in and signed up for cable as a result, or tossed their sets out the friggin' window.

That said, I have found one huge benefit of the transition and the box - Channel 38.3.

Channel 38.3 is a little slice of broadcasting heaven called IZ Videos. IZ Videos is simply this: music videos from the 1980's played back to back, almost non-stop, without titles, artist names or information of any kind. Every so often a voice identifies the station, it's Mexican accent so thick it sounds like Count Chocula. "Yooo are watching I...Z...Veee-deee-os; vee-dee-os from Fee-nix, Ar-eee-zon-a." Every time I hear it I wait for the Count's cartoonish chuckle to follow but sadly it does not.

Every once in a while one of two commercials airs - either for an auto dealership in south Phoenix or for a loan company targeting people that probably shouldn't be given loans. The voice used in each sounds suspiciously Count-like as well and the content/production value is really something that must be seen to be believed.

There are two points to this post - the first being if you haven't checked out Channel 38.3 yet and you have access you really should. If you are a child of the 80's or just a fan of that era's music videos you will not be disappointed. I guarantee a warm, fuzzy feeling of nostalgia. Just the other night I found myself sitting on my living room floor, eating peanut butter and jelly on Ritz crackers, watching Bow Wow Wow's, "I Want Candy" and oogling the Mohawk-sporting lead singer's miniskirt...just as I was doing 25 years ago. This brings me to point number 2 - that I seem to have matured/progressed/advanced not one friggin' bit since the 80's. In fact, I've actually regressed a bit. Back then I had cable.

Rush to Judgement

So the Dems are now trying to make the Republican Party synonymous with Rush Limbaugh. Of course, the colossal gas bag doesn’t represent that party any more than Michael Moore represents the Dems, but I must say I find it all very funny. Rush, trying so hard to get past the illegal drug conviction and become relevant, may finally get what he desires - but to such an extent that it damages his party.

Oh sweet irony.

Random Thoughts for January 8, 2009

• The Democrats reversal on their decision to seat Roland Burris in Congress has reaffirmed my decision to never register as anything other than Independent. Thank you very much.
  
• We are all just pawns in Big Oil’s sick game. Here we are, in the middle of winter – traditionally when fuel prices are at their highest – and gas prices are less than one-half what they were just three months ago. So much for the whole supply and demand argument. They raise prices, people start buying more fuel-efficient cars. So they drop prices and people, short-sighted as they are, start buying gas-guzzling SUVs again – ensuring more consumption. The cycle repeats. And repeats. And repeats. Price fixing, price gouging, call it what you will but we’re all Big Oil’s bitches, helping them attain record-setting profits every year.
  
• I wonder if there are any bipolar polar bears. Or bisexual, bipolar polar bears. That would really be something.