The World (mostly) Cup

As you may have noticed, the granddaddy of our planet’s most popular sport is now underway, with 32 teams battling it out on lush, green fields in South Africa.

You might be a fan of soccer.  You might find the play exciting, the strategies intriguing, the players dynamic and the rivalries captivating.  Then again, maybe not.  You might find the game boring, ridiculously low scoring, even annoying (see: vuvuzelas).

Fair enough.  Few events, sporting or otherwise, appeal to everyone.  Despite noticeable progress in the last twenty years, soccer hasn’t really caught on in the US.  A passionate fan base does exist, but it’s yet to generate a fraction of the interest our more popular sports do.  This isn't really surprising.  What is somewhat intriguing though is the amount of ridicule – even hatred – soccer generates.

You don’t need to look far to find someone ranting about the problems with the sport.  Rick Reilly, for example, the once-humorous-but-increasingly-grumpy-as-he-gets-older Sports Illustrated columnist recently penned an article on ways to “fix” the World Cup. 

Americans participate in and follow numerous sports, and not just the big ones.  Slap golf, bowling, tennis, or even lacrosse on TV and some people will watch.  Those that don’t find any entertainment value in a sport usually just ignore it.  Soccer’s critics seem a little more opinionated and a lot more vocal.  But why?

It’s soooo boooooring…

Ah, if only soccer were as thrilling as other sports/games that pepper the American television landscape.  Nothing screams excitement like televised golf, for example.  (In hushed whisper) “He’s walking up to the tee… checking the wind… some practice swings… uh-oh, looks like one of the photographers shutter clicked… he’ll have to back off and start again…) 

Even more intense - auto racing, a sport enjoying all new heights in popularity.  My heart starts pumping harder just thinking about those mobile billboards speeding around the same oval track again and again and again.  And if there’s a crash?  I just hope someone has the number for 9-1-1 handy.

Televised poker.  I can see why some people find this exciting.  The lingo alone would be enough – the river, the flop, pocket aces…but when someone goes all-in?  Remember those old cigarette ads that promised you’d ‘taste the excitement’?  Someone should consider reviving that campaign for televised poker.

I’m not saying that soccer is always more exciting than these alternatives, but it certainly isn’t any less.  Anyone with an attention span wide enough to watch 18 holes of golf, 500 miles of Daytona or however many hands of poker they play to determine a champion should have no problem staying awake through 90 minutes of soccer.  Especially when the game is between countries like Germany and England – an age-old rivalry that makes Yankees-Red Sox seem ridiculously small by comparison.

Maybe it’s the collective gall of the World to call it futbol.  Football, as any American sports aficionado would tell you, is that gridiron classic played every Sunday from Boston to LA (though an argument could be made as to how much is really played in LA lately.)

Or maybe it’s the fact that, when it comes to soccer, Americans have had limited success in the past. Actually, ‘limited success’ is a bit generous.  One would be hard-pressed to find a sport where a team has had such a tradition of futility.  If you are a US soccer fan there are few that can sympathize with you.  Cubs fans maybe.

Buy American!

Perhaps the real reason, though, is that soccer just isn’t an American product.  If we didn’t invent it how good can it be?  And who cares if the World Cup is by far the most popular athletic event on the planet.  We don’t like it so obviously it must be flawed.

Whatever the case, the Cup will go on.  Fans of soccer will keep following the action half a world away and those that aren’t will no doubt continue to feel the need to justify their dislike rather than just shutting the hell up.  Thankfully for them, it will all be over soon.  A champion will be crowned and then, mercifully, they can go back to the exciting, edge-of-your-seat, nail-biting alternatives they prefer:

“He’s trying to get a read on the green…

He lines up for the putt…

….

….

….

….

It’s in the hole!”

True - vuvuzelas aren't helping matters, but if annoying noise is all it takes to make something unwatchable then how do you explain the continued popularity of American Idol?